My Problem with the Word “Normal”

I think one of the reasons it took us so many years to start getting answers and support for Eli is because, from the outside, he often looks like what people would call “normal.”

If I had a nickel for every time someone said, “But he looks normal,” — usually with a little extra emphasis on the word normal.

Can someone tell me… what does normal actually look like?

I understand the intent behind that statement. People are usually trying to reassure me.

What they don’t realize is that the moment we use the word normal, we’ve quietly reinforced an invisible line — between people who belong… and people who don’t.

From my experience, when a child’s challenges aren’t visible, people assume the struggle must not be real. And when people assume the struggle isn’t real, those kids are often the last ones to get the support they need.

Those are the kids who fall into the cracks. Not because they aren’t capable, and not because they don’t want to learn — but because their challenges don’t match what people expect struggle to look like.

They’re often too capable to qualify for certain supports, but are still struggling enough that the world feels much, much harder than it should.

They struggle because the world often expects them to function in conditions their brains weren’t built for — and then they question the struggle when it isn’t obvious to everyone else.

The truth is, a lot of differences don’t come with a visible marker.

From the outside, Eli often looks like any other kid — laughing with friends, asking a million questions, running around with the same wild energy as everyone else. What you don’t see is how much harder his brain sometimes has to work to keep up with information that other kids process more automatically.

That’s the tricky part about cognitive differences — a lot of the work happening in a child’s brain is invisible.

What looks like a simple set of directions might require him to hold several pieces of information in his working memory at once.

What looks like distraction might actually be his brain trying to sort through too many pieces of information at the same time.

What looks like taking a long time to finish something is often just his brain processing the steps more slowly.

What looks like stubbornness might actually be confusion.

It’s not about effort. Eli works incredibly hard.

What people don’t see is all the work his brain might be doing at the same time just to keep up.

🪙 Nickel from the Jar:
“Looks normal” doesn’t mean life is easy.